Pink Paw Print

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Being Honest + Coming Clean

Hey you guys,

I've been really on top of my game with posting recently up until this week... Something you may not know about me, especially if you're a new reader of this blog, is that I actually have pretty extreme Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm really good about keeping it hidden from others and keeping it in check, but sometimes it can become very overbearing when triggered by a variety of causes. This week, on top of it all, it already t'was the ~*lady time*~ so I was feeling all of the feels from that, too. A very not great week, we can leave it at that. Even though talking about depression and anxiety has become widely accepted in mainstream culture, there are other aspects of PTSD that you never really hear about that are incredibly frightening. Only very few people know the whole of it all for me - some family members, some ex-boyfriends. So, rather than actually tell you a whole bunch of my personal first-hand account which is too emotionally overwhelming to get into details about, I'll just leave this link here so you can get some ideas of the more hidden side of Post-Traumatic Stress you might not really hear about as much. Maybe if you or someone you love experiences this as a result of previous trauma(s), it will be a comfort to know you are not the only one who deals with it. Some of the ones on this list I haven't necessarily experienced or I've actually experienced in a slightly different way, like for example the point that says recent events seems like distant past is actually the opposite for me; the distant past tends to feel eerily like recent events -- ya know, like blink your eyes and you could be back there. But these are very scary and very painful feelings to feel, such as particularly the panicky + alert yet so detached "life isn't real" feeling or sometimes you don't feel like you're a real person, because it's like you're just going through the motions instead and feel detached from yourself (which probably won't make sense to you unless you've actually experienced it, I know), even though you are obviously aware and can clearly make the distinction between reality and non-reality. Its not that, it's just that you just feel so... removed from it all. You've put up the distance and the detachment at the time the initial trauma(s) happened, yet that coping mechanism pops up sometimes even now when triggered, although it's no longer needed and certainly not wanted. I've definitely been suffering, but I've suffered before, and I've come back victorious fighting against it. It's a lot like treading water in a pool, just emotionally -- you gotta keep treading and make sure your head is above the surface, being careful not to let it fall too deep under the water and drown in what haunts you.

I definitely feel pretty embarrassed about admitting what I go through, and I'm horrified to press the "publish" button on this post  -- like literally, feeling like I have to puke right now --  but I'm publishing anyway because I don't want others who deal with it to have to feel embarrassed. Because hey, guess what - you can show up to the world, as you are, and there's no need for shame about it. You're you, whoever that may wind up to be, and that's awesome. Bad things can happen to good people. Remember that. Bad things happening to you doesn't make you bad, in any way. It doesn't pollute you. It doesn't make you unlovable, or dirty, or ruined. Bad things can happen to good people. And you're still just as good and lovable after what happens to you has happened.

I will go back to posting quite soon, whether that's tomorrow or in a few days, we'll have to wait and see, but it will be soon.

I thank you for being understanding about the lack of posts during this time. Love you guys.

xoxo, Brooke

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