What I mean is, is that I want to change my mindset. No more being sad or anxious about things I can't really change. I want to not worry about finding my special soul mate guy anymore, because how the heck does a girl find him if she hasn't even discovered herself yet! I used to want to figure myself out, merely so that I could be my best self for a partnership. But right now, I want to figure myself out for... me. It's not being selfish or narcissistic at all! I mean that I really want to know who I'm doing life with, and have been doing life with all along, as well as right now, at this current moment, before I let somebody share life with me! I know what things I love - writing and reading and editing and shopping and fashion and yoga and bellydancing (!) and eating chocolate and makeup/beauty and animals and music and brain puzzles (like sudoku and word searches) cultural in all forms like languages and art (especially making art!!) - but there is still so much out there that I have not yet experienced nor tried. And these things I want to do and try. I want to do and try these things before I become part of a partnership. Not because I find I tend to lose myself in a partnership, not because I want to prepare myself necessarily for the partnership, but because for the past multiple years of my life I have been so darned preoccupied with finding my special someone (and being let down over and over again - definitely some times more than others) when it turns out not to be him, and I have never ever been in a true relationship with myself. Although I have definitely been single in between relationships, I have never said, "Ya know what, self, we are going to be in a relationship right now!" I have always been looking and searching for my special person, rejecting and ignoring one very special person that I will always have for my entire life - and that's myself. I really encourage you guys and gals reading this right now to stop and think about this for a hawt second - have you ever been in a real relationship with yourself? Or have you just been single? There's a definite difference, and I challenge you to challenge yourself.
|Part of my relationship with myself = giving myself gifts, such as 75%-off after V-Day chocolates from Target! ;)|
Take good care of yourself - lately I have been taking vitamins every day, showering with luxurious body washes (go for natural and organic products... you DON'T want any endocrine disruptors in your skin/body products - they can leave you anxious and emotionally turbulent! Will do a post about endocrine disruptors soon!! <3), going to the gym daily except weekends (when I do other physical activities like dance around my dorm room to music or walk around the shopping mall #ca$hm0ney), avoiding fries except on Fri-day :3 because ~~I'm pun-ny like dat~~, and writing down thoughts and feelings in a journal. Although I'm more of an extrovert than an introvert, I'm definitely taking some time to engage in my introverted side - a side that I have not seen enough of. In today's society, extroversion is glorified. I put myself out there to the point of exhaustion.
Granted, I love sharing and talking and learning about people - I could talk to the right person all darn day! But at the same time, I haven't been doing any "mental" talking (aka thinking introspectively about my own self) lately. When I would do any introspection, it would merely be to calm down an anxiety attack, for example, but I wouldn't think about other things - like if I could learn any new language what would I want it to be, and do I even have a favorite contemporary painter, and why haven't I eaten celery in like 2 whole years even though I used to love it (hint: probz bc of those stringy things....blech!)!? Sit in your room and talk to yourself - I don't mean have some out-loud conversation with yourself (personally, I would feel very bizarre doing that, but hey you do whatever makes you happier :p!), but just don't be afraid to be alone with your thoughts. Not the kind of thoughts like, "oh my God my life is a mess and right now such and such is happening what should I do about it!?!?!", but more like, other types of thoughts, that don't necessarily have any time-sensitivities related. Think about what you really are looking for out of life as of late, think about why your favorite ice cream flavor is what it is, think about how your life would be different if you had a sibling (or if you already do have siblings, if you had yet another sibling!). Take personality quizzes. Go out to eat by yourself without feeling self-conscious. Write in a journal for an entire hour just about anything you feel like writing about - it could be fun memories, things that make you happy, questions and things that you want to learn about yourself, recent dreams you've been having, etc.
Because I personally have always been on the search for my other half, I have only really ever gotten to know just a portion of myself. I have always been a bit afraid to look inward, because what if I didn't like what I saw? What if I felt unlovable for who I am or who I was or who I want to be? Self-loathing was so easy in high school (....and junior high school... and middle school...), that once I got to college, I have just been pushing forward, full-speed-ahead without being self-compassionate, or taking time to get to know myself better. I didn't want to think about who I am, because in high school I just never found my niche and felt like a total freak for it. But many people didn't find their niches back then, and even though I'm still finding mine now - who's to say that not finding your niche makes you a "freak" as I had thought? Many people are still figuring these things out, but are just very, very good at hiding it. For me, I'm a super open book (as I'm definitely 1000000% sure y'allz already know this because... LOLZ), so I don't ever hide it when I feel a little lost.
But sometimes, feeling lost is a very beautiful thing. Sometimes, feeling lost is like art, or poetry. Because when something is lost, the only option... is to be found. <3 Those who are lost for their whole lives have been too afraid to really try. Perhaps they have made attempts, but they were ultimately too fearful to truly submit themselves to the beautiful entity that is vulnerability. If you seek yourself out, you will find yourself.
So, who am I currently dating? Me. I am currently in a relationship with myself. And, right now? I wouldn't rather have it any other way.
I promise you, think long and hard about this - because maybe, just like me, it's about time that you start dating yourself. <3