I'm not in one of those "the word is stupid, I feel helpless and hate life" kind of slumps. Trust me, I've been there in the past, in that pit of hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I'm definitely not in that place now. I am ~beyond~ excited about my future!!! :D <3 It's just not as easy for me to smile (okay granted it's ~da lady time~~ which means I'm in ridiculous crampy pain and all moods are whacked out, but I've feeling this way for a few weeks prior, sooooOoo...). More, it's just that I'm feeling pretty not as happy as I used to, which is saying a lot because I'm a very bubbly, upbeat person. And by happy, I mean I was feeling very on top of the world, so now, in comparison..... *sobs*. Let me explain...
Being home for Thanksgiving break was so lovely, but I also felt really isolated because it's so easy to just stay in my isolated house which is on an isolated private road (which is so beautiful and I am so grateful for it, don't get me wrong - just isolated) and just read all day in that isolated state of isolation if I'm not careful about forcing myself to get out (except when I go out I tend to spend money on coffee or makeup or books or more coffee so I tend to feel really guilty about it). Also, I rarely interact with people my own age when I'm home (I don't have any siblings and I only moved to the town a few years ago and went to private school so I don't know many people around) and while I love love love talking to people older than me (#theparentals, I also feel scared that I'll forget how to be around people my own age?? There's no way that could really make sense unless you're in a similar situation and you know what I mean by that, I guess!? Now that I'm back at college, I feel better about that though, being constantly surrounded with bunches and bunches of people. I think this says a lot about where I should be in the future - maybe I would do better in more of an urban environment? Lots of things to think about with this one.
Recently I've been dealing with some stuff. It all started happening a few weeks back when I ended something with someone who made me so ridiculously happy (and angry too, actually now that I think about it....hmmm..). Saying that you won't let your happiness depend on just one person is a lot easier said than done for me. I haven't felt that level of euphoria, though, since I fell in love two years ago with another not so great guy I've mentioned on here a few times. But the truth is, I'm attracted to the cold heartless type, when in reality, all I emotionally want is the exact opposite of that. Warm, fuzzy, cuddly, teddy bear type - but those types I always find to never be that loyal because they're too warm with everybody - which is sort of like me, actually, now that I think about it, except I'm HELLA into loyalty. Anyway. Back to the cold heartless type. I'm attracted to yanking the emotions out of them, of forcing them to feel when that's the last thing they actually want to do. And then because of it, because of that power, they fall deeply for me, and I feel amazing - that I could do that, that I could have such power. That I could be the factor that makes them actually feel something, for once, and that I could help to fix and heal them, because it's easier to do that than to fix and heal myself. I've realized that I'm somewhat attracted to dangerous people and dangerous situations because it [[ironically]] calms my anxiety. Am I going to get hurt by them? Of course I will. That self-fulfilling prophecy, oh, it takes the guesswork out of it all. Of course it's going to end badly. So there's no need to worry or get anxious, because of course it's going to end because of something bad. It's twisted and it's unhealthy and that's why I said goodbye in this situation with this last guy. Because I need to be on my own to fix my own issues, and not fall in love with someone for fixing those issues of mine for me. I don't want to be rescued from my problems, for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life, I want to fix them on my own. I wrote him some heartfelt letter to say goodbye. We haven't talked since, which even if it hurts it's a good thing deep down I know, because I don't need to fight for someone to value commitment (Of course I'd want to cheat on you! he said.....) or to stop insulting me for a change (poking all of the pimples on my face with your finger aint cute, kid....just no....) or to not call me a "little girl" because I didn't want to have sex yet...and then say "yeah, I went there..." because he knew how I got molested at camp when I was a little girl. You can't forgive somebody for something like that, as much as you want to. You just can't. Then again, I've heard so many awful things that guys have told me in the past, that I'm just actually pretty numb to it. It doesn't have as great an impact as I know it should because it's just another thing in a long list of horrible things I've been told. I've been feeling crushed, but I'm dealing with it because I know one day, when I am ready to let someone in again after I spend some time on my own first, that I deserve better than that and I will find better than that. It's hard because the way I grieve is that I'm in denial of the hurt for about a week or two, feeling empowered, but then it all comes crashing down and really hurts, and sometimes people don't understand why I'd still be upset after the time has passed - but that's because I never let myself feel upset by anything until a few weeks pass because I just can't deal with it so soon. I usually hop from one relationship to the next to heal my wounds, but seeing as I don't have that dating as a form of a drug, the withdrawal symptoms are really really rough at the moment. Just because you're the one who ended things, doesn't mean it hurts any less. I still think about him all the time, the parts that I loved about him, the connection we had emotionally, and it kills me. Particularly the nightmares about him are killing me. Being home for the break gave me too much "thinking" time, and I'm definitely worried about winter break having too much time to think as well... any suggestions about that would be -greatly- appreciated.....
On that "romantic" note, literally six guys from my past have reached out to me in the past week. Yes, friends. 'Tis the season, I suppose... They've messaged me apologizing for various fun things, like how poorly they treated me when they had me, how they took me for granted, how they were so self-absorbed and didn't know how to truly give of themselves, how they were mean and careless with their words and just said whatever they thought would come off as funny but was just cold hearted in the end, one even said how he still thinks about me every day and regrets how he was so careless when it came to being kind to me. All of them asked for another chance. My answer to all? We're just too different... two different people... I only answered a few, but the truth is, nobody gets to treat me like an option when I treat them like a priority. Reciprocity is something that I have never truly experienced, and granted, it's a delicate dance, but it's what I deserve. And my low self-esteem in the past kept me thinking, "What guy would ever like you? Just take literally whatever you can get and work with it," but I'm not in that place anymore. I used to take any guy back if they still wanted me, if they promised they would be better this time around. None of that. I'm done giving second chances, because not once has it led to my happiness. The same mistake gets repeated the second time! No no no. At first, I felt like I was some ice princess for this, but now I know it's just this little thing called self-compassion. Those guys weren't nice to me, so now I'm going to be nice to myself and not let them in again. Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye <333 It just makes me mad that for some reason now everyone has been reflecting on the past year, and are just now realizing what they did wrong. NOW!?!? Now, when I have zero interest. But the truth is, even if I still did have interest, I would still say no. Because I'm nicer to myself now.
It's been difficult between that, and then how I gracefully dropped my computer on my foot and couldn't walk for about a day and a half. And then after I finally could, but couldn't put on shoes or socks for a few more days. So no working out, and no yoga for a while - both things I love very much. Luckily, though, I'll be able to get back into yoga class tomorrow *hallelujah chorus descends from thy heavenz~* But it really did a number on my mood. I hate feeling trapped in any way, and it was making me feel trapped in my own body, if that makes any sense. I have been dealing with chronic pain from two injuries since 2011, the second in 2014, and any new injury always makes me feel weak and powerless - and worried that what if it becomes a chronic issue, and then I'll now have three chronic injuries, rather than just two...
Grad school applications are also due soon, and I have to put together my creative writing portfolios for them. The thing is, each school I'm applying to requires different types of writing: one or two require strictly just fiction writing, whereas the other one or two require writing of different genres like fiction and online article writing, etc. So that's a lot of pressure there. Plus four final research papers due within the next two weeks, and one final exam on books that make ya fall asleep, tbh. I've also got an exam tomorrow to study for. Now, I'm a very good student. I get very good grades. So it's not that I feel like I won't do well, it's more the upcoming labor looming over my head that I want to finish already. I like to just do something, and do it well, and complete the task proficiently. I don't like knowing I'll have things due but not having started them yet because they're a little too much in the future to begin just yet.
There are two other major major things going on, perhaps some of the most significant things that are making me feel depressed, but I feel it's not my business to share them on here because of the nature in which they involve other people, and I can't really say anything more without it being too obvious about whom I'm talking about. I just need to figure out how to feel better when you feel out of control about the things that will never change. You change yourself to cope if you can't change the situation? Is that it? I'm not sure. Overall, though, I know that this is all a temporary situation, (some issues are definitely long-term though and those are the ones that scare me the most) so I already feel 102938201830291830192830198 times better being back at school (tbh, I started crafting this post late last night, teary eyes a plenty~).
I just miss how purely incredible I was feeling before, because feeling that kind of happiness is just so rare, but I'm going to write down later today as a study break some ways I can think of as to how to create that happiness back on my own without the presence of romantic love in my life. I've never had to build myself back up from scratch without using a brand new relationship as an emotional crutch, and this is definitely a new feeling. I'd be lying if I said I knew how. But I have some ideas. Actually, maybe I'll put them all in a blog post for y'allz to check out! :p <3
I know the sadness and dull worry (different from the urgent, needy panic attacks I used to
How do you build yourself up from scratch when you feel totally stressed and out of control and in pain?