Today was an interesting day - not necessarily the most productive work-wise, but personal growth-wise, I'd say I learned quite a bit.
I went out to Dunkin' Donuts to grab my friend a chocolate glazed donut to cheer her up from the lovely subject of organic chemistry and grabbed an iced decaf coffee for myself (which I subsequently knocked off my bed, spilling it onto the floor after only having finished half of it ://! #graceful). Naturally, philosopher Brooke (aka me.) was having a panic-filled anxiety attack about my love life, and I needed to just get out of my room to stop worrying about "are things okay? wait but really though like ARE THEY OKAY WILL THEY BE OKAY I WONDER IF THINGS ARE STILL GOOD ARE THEY GOOD OMFG PANICKING I'M SO PANICKING RIGHT NOW OMG."
Starbucks seemed like an ~~enchanting~~ option, so I went over and settled down to do some work. It was a little tricky to read while some
uber-authentic Italian music that you'd think to hear in a fancy restaurant rather than a coffee shop intense music was playing so loudly, but it helped me to focus on the words I was actually reading and helped the anxiety to diminish a little bit.
Aaaaaand then! In walks Kolton (who graduated from the same high school, as well as the college that I'm still attending) and then his friends came and joined us, which was all a nice surprise! A reason why he and I get along is because we're both incredibly deep, intense, passionate-minded people; I tend to hold back this side of me though unless it's with maybe a blog post like this one or on my Snapchat stories ( @buhhrook ) where shizz gets real, or with a romantic relationship or something, but he really owns it! Whenever we run into each other, we always have some awesome talk about various topics that leave me contemplating my life choices and just life in general (ahaha!). Today's topic of discussion? The difference between being a relationship person versus being a hopeless romantic.
Kolton asked me if I would consider myself a "relationship person". I launched into telling him how even though I'm such a hopeless romantic, I couldn't even begin to imagine what it's like to be in a relationship for years and years, because my longest has only been a little over four months, even though that's something that I want to know and experience incredibly much. The only a little over four months thing is because I usually saw something in the relationships that wasn't able to be fixed. Certain things can be fixed, like working on communication, for example, but certain things, like belittling comments or frequently mean remarks? Just say no, honestly... My most recent ex-boyfriend told me "you don't know how to hold onto anything good in your life."… but maybe it's actually, in fact, that I know how to hold out for something healthier and happier, which is something that we all actually deserve.
To me, I always considered a hopeless romantic to be someone who loves love, itself. They want to find someone they can love - but not just any person… the right person who completes them, their soulmate, etc. etc.~~ Kolton pointed out that a relationship person is not necessarily a hopeless romantic and that these two categories are not necessarily intertwined. Mind=blown. Some people are relationship people, he pointed out, but aren't into romance and all of that. Some people are hopeless romantics and love loving people, but just either don't often have relationships or find themselves in unsuccessful ones (DING DING DING!)
For me, I realized that when I was younger - much, much younger - I was more in love with the idea of love than the people I would get involved with. Over time, though, I've learned how important it is to make sure it's the actual person and not just the idea of them to fall for, so when I find someone I like for who they actually are and not just for the possibility of love being there in the future (which is hella rare, I must admit), I fall hard and I fall fast.
I like to gush about my feelings. I like to make the person know how much I think he's awesome. I like to make him feel appreciated and needed and cared about! And…I like that in return. However, when it comes to getting that in return, I feel like I either get too much (where it seems like they've fallen in love with the idea of me) or not enough (where they make me feel pushed away and like I'm wasting my efforts because it's not really appreciated and don't enjoy talking/sharing about *~~feelings~~*). I need to feel wanted - not just like in the physical way because guys certainly have no dearth of showing that side off to me! - but emotionally, mentally, wanted.
To be fair, my idea of romance isn't the common notion/idea. To me, romance is like… anti-romantic, I guess you could say!? It's about the little tiny things, like even just holding hands. Having the guy stroke my lion's mane of hair and tell me what he finds ~enchanting~ about me. Eating a pizza in just PJs. Getting to the level where you can fart in front of each other like it's a totally non-embarassing thing. Where morning breath doesn't cause concern. That level of intimacy is "romance" to me. Now, while one single red rose (although I much prefer sunflowers!) screams romance to many, I'd prefer pillow talk and endless hugs. The real and the personal is what appeals to me, while Hollywood's so-called portrayal of romance seems just….artificial.
So maybe, I'm neither - maybe the girl who wants not much more out of life than to find the right person to share her happiness with is neither a relationship person (as they never seem to last) nor a hopeless romantic (as my idea of romance doesn't fit the mainstream stereotype). Maybe wanting something raw and real and vulnerable is neither of those things. Maybe it's something different, entirely.
Are you a relationship person? A hopeless romantic?