Pink Paw Print

Thursday, September 17, 2015

[Trigger Warning] How Practicing Yoga Helped Me to Let Go of the Past

[FYI, somewhat of a trigger warning. not much description, not too vivid, just some stuff might be difficult if you happen to relate, that's all. just a head's up. some of it is tough to hear about but, y'allz know by now that I tend to talk about real issues on here sometimes, because that's what makes us all human. pretending the tough stuff doesn't exist or is "too much information" is what causes isolation instead of community, tbh. it's okay to talk about the tough stuff sometimes.... it's really, honestly okay. if there is even one person out there who feels less alone because I've shared my personal experiences, then I've done my job as a social media personality.]
Back in the summer, when my yoga pants had never yet made it to yoga~~~

This year, I finally decided to go for it and take Intro. to Yoga at my college. I'd always been interested in the whole taking yoga part… just not so much the part where I could potentially look ridiculous because I'd have honestly no clue what I'm doing (even though I've been told that I've got the whole "endearingly awkward" thing going for me, bahaha! *covers face behind hands like the monkey emoji, omgg*. Buuuuut I sucked up my fear, and now I just make sure to put my yoga mat in the back of the room so that there's nobody behind me when I do that saucy downward dog pose in my yoga pantz ;) #woofwoof

Today, this morning bright and early in the 9AM class, our instructor (who is like a total bad-ass, flexible fairy princess, tbh, and I mean that in the best and most positive way!!!) told us that ancient myths or something said that if you have knee problems, it means that you also have difficulty moving forward in your life, as the knees serve as a symbol for leaving the past behind and venturing towards the future. When she said this, I was floored (LOL GET IT BECAUSE I WAS LITERALLY ON THE FLOOR ON MY MAT LOL). She said exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it. Now, let me explain…

Since 2011, I've suffered from patellar tendonitis that originated from a field hockey injury where I was hit directly in the knee with the field hockey ball during practice before a big Fight For The Cure game (and if we're being honest, my knees were already pretty worn out from years of playing tennis but not continuing to work out during the off-seasons #pizzaisbetter #yolo). I actually almost had to defer coming to college for a semester because I could not walk. Crutches hurt my back and armpits too much, and a wheelchair would be bad for my knees because they can't stay bent for long periods of time - but with a lot of physical therapy, I could walk for about 10 minutes at a time without having to stop ...which was good enough for me at the time! What a friggin' miracle. I still can't even run a mile, and I can't even walk on the treadmill without some swelling (too much impact, unfortunately), but I no longer have to wear sneakers every day (Birkenstocks & Jack Rodgers, tho <3333333333) which is a major comfort for my fashionista soul.

I realized, in that moment this morning, that so much of my present is constructed by my past. No matter how much I talked them out, there have been things that still haunted me up until today… (~stuff's about to get so real rn~) going to summer camp on Long Island and getting touched in non-consensual ways. by a female. I was only six years old. I was not the only child this happened to, but I still felt confused and alone., not really fitting in at public school because I was "too smart", getting bullied about being pale (yooooo, Polish-Ukranian people are born that way! lolz), getting bullied about my hair being too big, getting bullied about my nose being too big, getting bullied because I was too skinny growing up, getting bullied because I gained a lot of weight eventually, when mommy and daddy fight but you're an only child so how do you even cope with that (and when you all don't get along, for that matter), getting bullied that my voice is too high (happens sometimes when I get nervous), getting bullied that my voice is too low (also happens sometimes when I get nervous), getting bullied that I was therefore a lesbian because I wouldn't have sex with a "popular" guy when I was 11 years old and did not yet even get my first period????????!!!?????!?!?!?!?, having a best friend in high school who was the closest thing I've ever had to a sister to me but then we both became totally different people and no longer talk even though we go to the same college (if you're reading this, I've really missed you but all the times I'd reached out, I felt it went unreciprocated), not fitting in at boarding school because I wasn't rich enough compared to that jet-setting international wealth crowd and was a mere lowly peasant of a day student (non-boarders weren't socially acceptable in society), not fitting in at private day school because I was the new kid, an abusive relationship my freshman year of college that I'm not even going to get into here, falling absolutely in love with an ex-boyfriend my sophomore year of college who had the nastiest mean streak and his words hurt more than physical bruises ever could and having to end things because of it despite how he took care of me when I had some horrible flu that lasted way too long and was there for me and how he told me he would always love me and that I truly was his soulmate then leading me on later pretending he wanted to get back together simply to hurt me and then I was crushed because he had talked about *~marriage~* in the future, getting in a car accident with that guy where I got a severe neck and back sprain yet he was fine so he called me a baby and said I was making it up just for attention yet I wound up having to go through months of physical therapy and do strength training and have multiple X-Rays soooo…..ok buddy, a string of no-good relationships to follow, feeling like I had no friends for the longest time, not being able to do my summer internship because the birth control I was taking triggered a horrible anxiety disorder (that's still in the process of going away, but it is 10383920302038 million times better even though I still get really panicky at times), having that struggle of what the heck are my post-college plans going to be!?!?!, finding a homework-life balance, the fact that I actually want the first time I have sex with a guy (yes yes, friends, the Virgin Brooke rumors are true!!!!!!!!!! *gasp*) to be 100% meaningful so much so that it's like a spiritual experience if that even makes any sense whatsoever yet the guys I would tell this to were usually like…. lol, nah which is just dandy but AHH DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO STAND UP FOR THAT BELIEF IN THE HOOK-UP CULTURE WORLD OF COLLEGE….but hey, NONE OF THIS MATTERS!!! I've got no secrets anymore. I've shared them all with you, and I have zero regrets, whatsoever. I am free. You are free. We are all freer than we will ever know.

I was allowing all of my past experiences, as most of us tend to do unknowingly, to define who I am today. We all have these little origin stories that dictate who we are and how we see ourselves, but honestly, we don't need to fall prey to them. We can say, ya know what, shizznit happens, but I'm not going to walk around like some victim, and I'm not going to be sad all the time. Because the good thing is, is that when the past has been pretty downhill, the future can be pretty uphill! I realized today that I'm just not about to feel sad about these things anymore. I want to feel happy. I deserve to feel happy. We all deserve to feel happy! So, I've vowed to stop the sadness, and let the love from the world fill in the empty voids.

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason… it's like the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms: without those nasty cereal pieces (aka the bad times in life), the marshmallows (the beautiful, resplendent times) wouldn't taste as delightful!

So, yoga class - you da real MVP for this enlightenment, *casually throws deuces*!
I am free.
I am free.
I am free.

What will it take to make you let go of the past?
xoxo, Brooke

No comments:

Post a Comment