I got dumped. It wasn't just an ordinary breakup; this was somebody who told me he was in it for the long haul and I was equally as committed. I'm not even going to share the details of how terrifying and horrible the phone conversation went, but what I will say is that I was told I was too sensitive. I personally don't like people poking fun at my religion, or using the word "retarded" as slang, or making me feel pressured sexually (even if the pressure is indirect aka by saying that "a relationship without having sex is just friendship"). -_________- . If this makes me too sensitive, then by all means, I'm going to stay being "too sensitive" and stick up for my personal values?!?!?!
When you finally open your heart up entirely after one horrible breakup (okay fine two horrible breakups) and allow yourself to love again and then yet AGAIN your heart gets smashed to pieces with this one…. well, it really sucks. At 5:33AM, I woke up with the worst and most severe panic attack I have ever had in my life. My chest was literally hurting and I felt like I couldn't breathe and my mind kept replaying all of the awful things that were said to me when getting dumped via phone call last night. Eventually I drank some cold water to shock me out of it, but after that, falling back to sleep took me an entire hour. Considering I usually think about how amazing the person is that I'm involved with before I fall asleep, I had nothing to think about other than how we were now never going to be together ever again.
Of course, I woke up at about 7:30AM to write a 6-paged paper for my "Love & Sex in the Middle Ages" class that, for obvious reasons, did not get done last night. Thankfully, I finished it in time for my 2:45PM class. It was a great, much-needed feeling of accomplishment. What most struck me though about waking up is that I had over 15 messages waiting for me asking how I was holding up/coping/doing in general after last night I had posted a Facebook status about being absolutely heartbroken. Last night, I felt so empty and alone, and seeing how people went out of their way to make me feel cared about/to take an interest in my well-being mended a somewhat different hole in my heart that, to be quite honest, maybe I didn't even know existed. So many people that I have a special place for in my heart reached out to me - some I was friends with years ago, others we haven't talked in a few months, and even others I had talked to just the other day) - and this made me realize that just because you don't talk to someone everyday doesn't mean that they don't have so much love in their heart for you. I'm definitely somebody who loves to love other people - friends, family, significant other, what-have-you - so that reciprocity was just what I needed!
Today, I devoured a bunch of the Valentine's Day chocolates he gave me (mainly so I wouldn't have to look at the boxes anymore - too painful!). I put on a cute giraffe/leopard print shirt and did my makeup. I danced around my room to every Taylor Swift song that I could relate to (unfortunately "Blank Space" is kind of the story of my life, even though it's supposed to be a parody… but whatever! Whatever makes a person happy, right!?) I talked to a religious leader who showed me that anger is not the way - acceptance and forgiveness is the way. I talked to an old friend of mine for two whole hours just talking about how horrible I feel. He was always so kind to me, so I'm glad that we're rekindling our friendship that got lost in the hustle and bustle of just life.
Okay, lastly, this might be embarrassing to admit but it's the only thing that 100% always makes me feel better, at least to some degree, in times when I'm really hurting - or also increases my joy during the amazing & happy times in my life! But… I have this habit of writing letters to my future soul mate *covers face with hands*. That way, when we finally find each other, I can share so much of my life with him, that he'll feel like he knew me all along and was even there in the moment with me. Basically today's LONG letter in a nutshell was that "I thought I found you, but apparently he wasn't you!" Just keeping a level of optimism and hope alive that my special somebody is out there waiting for me somewhere always helps me to feel all snuggly and warm inside. Hey - some people have the goal to be uber-famous or something grandiose along those lines, but my main dream in life is to find true love! Too many Disney movies? Maybe. But we all have our hopes, wishes, and dreams and nobody should ever have to apologize for what they want most out of life.
How do you heal your heart when it breaks?
PS - Shout-out to my friend, Fred who told me today that he reads my blog! :p Just putting this in here to make him laugh if he reads this! To others -- let me know if you read my blog on a consistent basis, and I'll definitely give you a shout-out for your loyalty, if you'd like!!